she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
You ruined the universe
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize