I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
