Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
