Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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