Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
