he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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