I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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