he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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