I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
