i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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