I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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