I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
