I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You took a bar mat shot.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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