my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
