Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize