My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Randomize
