She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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