I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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