you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
