My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
