I want to walk on stilts...naked
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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