He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
