ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
