4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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