im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
