Life is so much better after having sex.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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