Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
