well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
