Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
