If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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