New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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