All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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