Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
