And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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