Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
