btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
