Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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