I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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