Duck Duck Cougar?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
