She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
