I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
