Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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