I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
