Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You're like the curious george of whores
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
