matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
pop tarts are not kleenex
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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