Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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