Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
