They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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