my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
