I just made out with a guy for $7.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
