Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
