so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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