I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
