dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
