very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
