Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Oh god it's open bar.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
