k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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