two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I'm too high and old for this...
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