The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
