wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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