We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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