I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
