Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
